how to make successful confrontations
From time-to-time we all face conflict, challenges and ups and downs.
In my life there were times when I felt intimidated in confrontational workplace atmospheres, and I struggled to get across my ideas because I feared they could have created even more conflict. This was a major barrier in the progress of my career. Thankfully I became a better communicator when I understood how this was not only affecting my career, but also my health and my relationships.
I decided to go deeper in my research of this topic and I found many synonyms of the word confrontation – words like antipathy, disagreement, fight and struggle. I selected the word fight because I felt this word was closer to what a confrontation feels like.
I often like to use the Hebrew language since it gives me deeper meaning of specific words. The translation of the word fight in Hebrew is lechen and it means destruction, devour, or eat. I was surprised at the results because avoiding confrontations can be destructive and feels like a spiritual battle. It is known that eating our opinions and feelings can lead to emotional stress and be destructive to our health. In fact, when I have a problem that I cannot resolve, I feel like my strength is being drained and I have a hard time concentrating.
Scientific research made by the University of Cambridge has shown that the brain can “eat” itself. “Eating our feelings” can change its microstructures. This is why ignoring our feelings and opinions is detrimental to our health. Images from experiments made with rats have shown how this process can eat neurons and synapses. So why am I talking about neuroscience in a confrontational blog?
Because understanding our psychology can enhance our potential for productivity. Not expressing our opinions causes frustration and emotional stress. I know from personal experience that sometimes it can be hard to identify accurately our emotions. Epiphanies can take a while to be processed and be fully integrated. Finding trust and psychological safety to collaborate effectively requires maturity. This is why we may struggle with colleagues that are more driven by competition than collaboration and teamwork.
Three years ago, I was working as a Teacher Assistant, and I needed to resolve an issue concerning behavioral classroom rules with the Lead Teacher. Working with children has its challenges. Finding the time and privacy that worked for both of us was not easy. I wanted to confront her because I did not want to assume that she was holding knowledge or information that could have jeopardize my work, promotion and career. After working out our schedules we finally agreed with a time that worked for both of us.
What we both found after our conversation surprised both of us. We then understood that what collaboration meant for me was different from what it meant to her.
For instance, collaboration for me meant sharing information in advance so that I could manage and schedule my time for my next projects. Collaboration also meant for me that I should be asked be asked for my opinion in our meetings.
Her collaboration concept was different. Her collaboration meant asking her first on everything. She felt no need to share information unless asked. This experience taught me that people can have different meanings for the same word. This is because people have different perceptions of what is important to them.
Perhaps next time you experience a conflict you could start by asking: would you share with me what collaboration means to you?
“Coming together is a beginning; keeping together is progress; working together is success.” – Henry Ford
Something else that helped me to approach confrontations in a different way was understanding the Relational Cohesion theory. This theory teaches that conflict arises when there is an unequal power. This theory says that relationships develop when there is a positive perception of exchange, and this usually determines how stable the relationship will be.
For instance, employees exchange labor for pay, customers exchange money for services, coworkers exchange advise, and information and couples exchange emotional support. The most common problems in relationships can stem from inequality. However, equal power does not mean equality all the time, there are times when we might need to compromise.
When problems arise ask yourself:
What did I do that upset you?
How did I contribute to this problem?
Why am I feeling anxious or uncomfortable with you?
In negotiations you could ask yourself:
Do I rather hold my position than give in?
Do I keep my opinion to myself rather than disagreeing openly?
WHAT ELSE CAN HELP US MANAGE CONFLICT AT WORK?
Viewing the positive aspect of the conflict
Conflict can indeed enhance organizational improvement because where there is no conflict there is not change, and change is the fuel for new ideas. Dr. Kenneth W. Thomas and Dr. Ralph H. Kilmann, experts in organizational dynamics says that there are 5 ways to manage conflict within organizations:
Competing – Is an assertive and uncooperative way that someone can pursue to satisfy his own concerns at the other person’s expense. This is a power-oriented mode in which you use whatever power seems appropriate to win your own position, such as your ability to argue, your rank, or economic sanctions. Competing is essentially defending your stance or position which you believe is correct, or simply trying to win. We should not use this style within the organization, but we could use it with other external companies like when we are fighting to win a client.
Accommodating – is an unassertive and cooperative way that is the total opposite of competing. When accommodating, the person pushes down his own concerns to satisfy the concerns of the other person. This creates a moment of self-sacrifice. Accommodating might take the form of selfless generosity or charity, or even obeying another person’s command when you don’t want to, or keeping you own thoughts and views to yourself to avoid conflict. You can use accommodation when you don’t care about the outcome. For instance, negotiating with your boss about where to go for lunch.
Avoiding – is an unassertive and uncooperative way that creates a new conflict because both you and they other person are shying away from each other. Neither party is expressing his own concerns. We can use this style when we want to delay a situation. Avoiding might take the form of diplomatically sidestepping an issue, postponing an issue until a better time. For instance, when you want to talk with a subordinate about their social media habits within the workplace.
Collaborating – is an assertive and cooperative way and the opposite of avoiding. It’s more like a win-to-win situation where both sides are satisfied. Collaborating involves a plan that works with others to arrive at a solution that fully satisfies both sides concerns. It means meeting both – needs and wants of both individuals. Collaborating between two persons might take the form of exploring a disagreement to learn from each other’s insights or trying to find a creative solution.
Compromising – is a way that is moderate in both assertiveness and cooperativeness. The goal is to find some acceptable solution that partially satisfies both parties. You give up a little because you do not care so much about the outcome. In a compromise both individuals are equally content. Some situations warrant a quick solution where both individuals can meet half-way.
Today our communications are perhaps more challenging because we interact with teams, customers, and families virtually. Personality clashes, different perspectives and conflict will always arise. If you find someone annoying you at your workplace try to focus on their strengths. Other ways to deal with conflict within the workplace is by getting to know ourselves better (I cover that in another blog) and by remembering the golden rule of assertive communication – “do unto other as you would have done to you.”
